the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
