I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
