Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The adults are the big ones right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
