WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
