respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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