her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
