Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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