really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
this hospital has no fireball
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
