it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
