and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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