somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
