i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
