so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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