its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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