mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
