I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
