I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I party with great urgency now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
