you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
