Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
