I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
