foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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