Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
