Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
