remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
