I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
