i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
