you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
