i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
