Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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