We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just want nice things and good sex
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
