Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The uberlube is also flammable
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
