I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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