T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
