Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
jump out the window naked night went bad
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