as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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