I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
