Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
