woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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