So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
