no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
