I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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