i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
