I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
