she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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