how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
