that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
