3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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