Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize