I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
