No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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