i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
