Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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