Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
