My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
