I will die if light touches me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
